I'm not sure what has been up with me. But, I've really been battling lonely feelings lately. I've done a pretty good job at finding things to do this week and surrounding myself with good people. I've even managed to see the besty every day this week for one reason or another. But I still feel lonely lurking in me. I hate that. It's making me feel clingy and needy. And, I have no reason for it. Things are good in my world and I have every reason to be happy. And, I'd even say that as a whole, I am happy. There is no major stress getting me down or anything to be upset over. I'm just having a hard time connecting with anyone in a way that makes the lonely disappear. Maybe a good weekend of some rest and relaxation will help.

Quick- Schedule Something!

I'm the kind of girl that tends to stay pretty busy.  My brother, who is also my roommate, laughs because we will go days without even seeing each other and we live in a little 2-bedroom place.  He says it's nice only paying 1/2 the rent but pretty much getting his own place...  I like having a busy schedule.  It keeps the time passing and gives me little things throughout the week to look forward to.

My open water class finished up last weekend.  For the first time in quite awhile, I have absolutely nothing scheduled for this week.  Nothing for work, teaching, or social.  It's so weird.  It's only Wednesday, and already this week has seemed to be dragging on.  Another reason I like to get out there and keep things scheduled is I'm learning that I do like the company of others a lot more than I used to.  I used to keep myself pretty isolated.  I definitely liked my "me time."  But, I'm learning that I need the "me time" less than I did even a few months ago.  In fact, I'm finding it easier and easier for me to feel lonely.  I like having things to do and people to talk to.

I'm really looking forward to next week... Heather's rehearsal dinner on Tuesday.  Mexican Wrestling in LA with my besty on Wednesday.  Orientation for my advanced class on Friday.  And Heather's wedding on Saturday (and I have the hottest date ever to that!).  Lot's of fun things planned and fun people to spend time with.  And that, I am looking forward to.

OW Class

I went diving on Saturday with my open water class.  I certified my three students and and got to spend a day out on the water.  The weather was great and the dive conditions were really good too.  Good dive conditions = easy day of teaching.  One of the big highlights of the day though, was my class.  These 3 students have been a big bright spot in my life.  They are all very different and have their quirks, but I think that's why I like them.  They know their quirks, and they don't care about them.  It was an easy class to be around because there was a general acceptance of each other.  Combine that with some raunchy humor and a love for scuba diving... you get a TON of fun.

Becoming an instructor has been one of those life long dreams.  I was always a little fish growing up and I would love to go to the beach when I was a kid and watch the divers get in and out of the water.  I was that annoying toddler that followed them around and asked a million questions.  So, of course I was beyond excited when I finished up my instructor course back in April.  Since then, I had difficult student after difficult student.  I had a few good ones in there, but there was a lot of tough classes and grumpy students to deal with.  It was discouraging.  I had looked forward to teaching for so long and I was quickly finding out that it is not all sunshine and rainbows.  This class made up for all the hard ones I've had over the past 8 months.  They brought so much enthusiasm and desire to get out there and start diving.  They not only reminded me why I wanted to teach scuba, but also reminded me why I love diving in the first place.  This is one of those classes where I think the instructor learned just as much as the students did. 

This class is planning on rolling right into my advanced class that starts in a couple of weeks.  I am SO thrilled to get to teach them some more and dive with them again.  I've made some special friendships here that I know I'll keep with me forever.  It's a great feeling.  :-)

My Little Epiphany

In college, I took a long break from dating.  I had decided that I needed to work on myself and get to a place where I was content with me and my life before I tried to add anyone on to it.  I think I was on to something there...

Lately, I have felt a pretty large void in my life.  So, I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to fill that void with new people and relationships.  It's hard to admit, but I would say I was close to the point of desperation.  I would do anything for some attention and someone new to talk to or fill some time with.  I have been pushing myself way out of my comfort zone, in a bad way.  Sometimes, I know it's good to push yourself.  But I haven't been doing it in a way that has been good or healthy or constructive.  I gave out my number to someone I had no interest in... and he still won't stop texting.  And, if that wasn't enough, I started to talking to someone that seemed nice enough, but just gave off that "there is something wrong here" vibe.  I intentionally ignored the vibe and concentrated so hard on the little random things I liked, I had convinced myself the vibe was nothing.  I met him last night.  It went horrible.  We are so different in very important ways.  I realized that starting a relationship with him would be a horrible thing.  At least I recognized this early and attempted to end the date.  While saying goodbye, he tried to pull me into his car.  I got away from him with no problem and had the rest of the night to myself.  If I think about the "what ifs" (what if he had a gun or knife, or what if I let him put me in that car...), I freak myself out.  So, I'm not thinking of those and focusing on what did happen and the fact that I listened to my instincts enough to save myself.  But I have come to a point where I really need to step back.

My life is busy.  It is not overwhelming, but I have a good job, fun classes to teach, great family, an awesome best friend, and another nice guy that is becoming part of a weekly hang out routine and it seems that he may become more than "weekly."  So, why the hell do I need to add more people to the mix?!  Rather then fill my emptiness with more people who I may or may not actually want around... I should concentrate on what I do have in my life.  If I spent 1/2 as much energy focusing on the things that are already present in my life and bring me joy, I bet that would fill a lot of that void.  So, that's the little "ah-ha!" moment I had last night and I'm going to apply it and see how it goes.  Focusing on all the little good things I do have, has already put me in a pretty happy mood today.  I have a lot to smile about if I would just let myself enjoy those little smiles once in awhile.  I can't fix what isn't already broken.  And, my life is far from broken.  It's time to appreciate that.

Update

Oh my, I have not written in quite awhile... time for an update:

I survived the holidays and the new year is off to it's usual start.  I have classes scheduled for the next few months.  Open water going on now.  Advanced starting in February.  And, Rescue in March.  My current open water class is bringing me a lot of joy.  Only 3 students.  But, they are a lot of fun and they really like me, which makes me feel super good.  I feel like the kind of instructor I've been wanting to be around them.  All 3 of them are planning on taking my advanced class next month, along with another open water student from before the holidays.  I feel like I'm starting to get a little fan club.  It feels really good.  This class makes me feel like I am to them what my mentor/instructor was/still is to me.  It's an amazing feeling.

Speaking of that mentor/instructor... he's amazing.  He helped me with my class this weekend along with his DM students.  And, wow.  I am continuously learning from him.  He always has something relevant and helpful to say and students seem to instantly love them.  I got texts from 2 of my students at the end of the day asking if he was going to be going along for sure next weekend because they liked him so well.  Yep! Reasons he's the role model for the kind of instructor I want to be...

Other new stuff... started dating someone new.  We shall call him "Batman."  It was off to a rocky start, but that's because I'm a paranoid crazy girl who needs to chill the eff out.  I always worry about meeting people off the Internet.. What if they are crazy?!  Upon further thought... I'm wondering if I'm the crazy one..  But I'm learning a lot about taking things one day at a time and not reading into things so much.  Not just with batman, but in all areas of my life and other relationships.  Sometimes I get so far into my head, that I set up a perfect storm that didn't need to happen and wouldn't have if I had just stayed mellow.  I should invent some sort of shock collar to train myself.  But yes.  Batman = good thing.  He's funny, cute, nice.  All around good to spend time with.

I guess that's what's new in a nut shell.

I've had some extra time to reflect today and have been coming to some conclusions.  I am in an incredible relationship with probably the best guy out there.  He gets me on a level that no else does and he makes me feel great.  Any criticism he gives, is a always constructive and he pushes me to always do my best and be the best person that I can be.  He sees a lot of good in me.

All of that is great, and I know I am so lucky to have that in my life.  One thing that I need that still seems to be lacking though... I need to be able to see that for myself as well.  I've found myself in quite a bit of a rut lately with some low self confidence.  And, rather then sit back and complain about it, it's time I do something.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about something that they have the power to change themselves.  And, I'm starting to find myself slip into that bad habit.  Also, I have found that when I let myself mope into some low self esteem, it has an effect on so much in my life.  Including my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Well, no more of that!  I'm taking back control of my life and the way I want to handle the things that get me down.  I've started working on this a little this past week and have already felt a positive change in some aspects of my life.  I'm excited to apply this elsewhere now.  I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and really be happy with who I see there.

They say sometimes the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do.  Well, I don't know if that is true.  And what if every option seems difficult?  I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" this week.  I feel like I've lost direction and need to regain that.  But, I have no idea what direction I need to get back on track with.  I feel like I'm back in my Underwater Navigation Course and I got stuck with the broken compass that keeps me about 15 degrees off from where I need to be.  It's not a huge error, but just enough to keep me frustrated and questioning if I'm doing it right.  I know I am only 25, and so having it all figured out is definitely not a requirement.  But, I'm such a planner.  I like to be able to look ahead a few years and at least have an idea of who I will be, where I will be, what I'll be doing, who will be around with me.  And, a lot of that seems very foggy.  It's really starting to weigh me down. 

Maybe I just need to put it aside. Get through the holidays and the next few weeks and then focus on it again.  Perhaps my holiday mope is getting in the way.  Every year I get older, it seems like Christmas and New Years are losing more and more holiday "magic."  Maybe this upcoming year will bring me some of that clarity and this time next year, I can be wrapped up in holiday magic and not so stressy.  Heh, I think it all comes down to me chilling the eff out and learning to enjoy where I'm at.

My, this was not the chipper blog I have been doing so far.  I hope I don't drive anyone to drink or to sharp objects.  I'm  not meaning to come off depressed.  Overall, I'm not depressed.  Just taking a step back and looking at my life.