In college, I took a long break from dating. I had decided that I needed to work on myself and get to a place where I was content with me and my life before I tried to add anyone on to it. I think I was on to something there...
Lately, I have felt a pretty large void in my life. So, I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to fill that void with new people and relationships. It's hard to admit, but I would say I was close to the point of desperation. I would do anything for some attention and someone new to talk to or fill some time with. I have been pushing myself way out of my comfort zone, in a bad way. Sometimes, I know it's good to push yourself. But I haven't been doing it in a way that has been good or healthy or constructive. I gave out my number to someone I had no interest in... and he still won't stop texting. And, if that wasn't enough, I started to talking to someone that seemed nice enough, but just gave off that "there is something wrong here" vibe. I intentionally ignored the vibe and concentrated so hard on the little random things I liked, I had convinced myself the vibe was nothing. I met him last night. It went horrible. We are so different in very important ways. I realized that starting a relationship with him would be a horrible thing. At least I recognized this early and attempted to end the date. While saying goodbye, he tried to pull me into his car. I got away from him with no problem and had the rest of the night to myself. If I think about the "what ifs" (what if he had a gun or knife, or what if I let him put me in that car...), I freak myself out. So, I'm not thinking of those and focusing on what did happen and the fact that I listened to my instincts enough to save myself. But I have come to a point where I really need to step back.
My life is busy. It is not overwhelming, but I have a good job, fun classes to teach, great family, an awesome best friend, and another nice guy that is becoming part of a weekly hang out routine and it seems that he may become more than "weekly." So, why the hell do I need to add more people to the mix?! Rather then fill my emptiness with more people who I may or may not actually want around... I should concentrate on what I do have in my life. If I spent 1/2 as much energy focusing on the things that are already present in my life and bring me joy, I bet that would fill a lot of that void. So, that's the little "ah-ha!" moment I had last night and I'm going to apply it and see how it goes. Focusing on all the little good things I do have, has already put me in a pretty happy mood today. I have a lot to smile about if I would just let myself enjoy those little smiles once in awhile. I can't fix what isn't already broken. And, my life is far from broken. It's time to appreciate that.
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