I may be the worst blogger ever. Seeing as this is my first post since March.... I feel the need to get back into writing though. Sometimes, it helps through the crazy. There has been so much going on lately, that crazy has a high potential.
Finally got some medical stuff figured out and on medication. Medication is suppose to balance out the hormones and make me feel better, emotionally. Other meds are suppose to make my body process what I eat so I can lose some weight, and get healthy, and feel better physically (and feel better about myself). So far, it's hit and miss. Most days, being the miss.
Doctor said it could take few weeks, so I'm trying to be patient. It's difficult though. The majority of my day is spent feeling not quite right. I feel sick if I don't eat. And after I eat, I usually feel sick from whatever I've eaten... I know it's all about adjusting to the meds and finding balance. So, I'm hanging in there with it. If I can get past the rocky start, I know I will be much happier.
And the mood is a struggle as well. I hit a really bad place last week. Doctor told me to go off my anit-depressants because they could be a bad mix with everything else I'm taking now. So, I did. Good news is I no longer lay in bed thinking of ways to die. And, that's a huge bit of good news. But, I still don't feel completely out of my mope cloud. It comes and goes. And sometimes it changes quickly through out the day. I still have this fog of sadness that I can't get out of my mind and heart. I feel like I have control over it in the sense that I'm not going to completely lose my shit and do something stupid. But, it makes me tired. It makes me even more look forward to getting used to my new meds and in a good routine that works for me.
I have every reason in the world to be so happy. So many great things are going on in my world... plans to go back to school, maybe getting my own place soon, teaching a ton of scuba classes and making new friends through it, awesome family, the most amazing best friend anyone could have... I can't wait until I'm able to sit back and think of all those things and feel that happiness so deep in my core; and not have it all clouded by irrational mood swings and depression.
So, I guess that's where I'm at these days. I'm hoping to update this more regularly. It's a good way to "talk" about all that's circling around in my head.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I really don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm feeling pretty good today. Only mild headache so far today. This is the most "non-shitty" (physically and emotionally) I've felt in what seems like forever. Tomorrow marks 1 full week that I have been on the meds, and I'm thinking they are starting to work a little. Don't feel quite 100% yet, but I feel a glimmer of hope. And, that in and of itself, is a huge weight lifted.
Lots to look forward to this weekend as well. Diving on both Saturday and Sunday. And, I get to spend a lot of time with my best friend. Really looking forward to it. I think the combination of (1) keeping things on the calendar to look forward to, (2) the meds, (3) the support/encouragement I get from people who care, and (4) making the conscious decision to portray a good mood and get rid of this depression is all finally starting to work together. I'm so relieved that I am starting to see a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.
Lots to look forward to this weekend as well. Diving on both Saturday and Sunday. And, I get to spend a lot of time with my best friend. Really looking forward to it. I think the combination of (1) keeping things on the calendar to look forward to, (2) the meds, (3) the support/encouragement I get from people who care, and (4) making the conscious decision to portray a good mood and get rid of this depression is all finally starting to work together. I'm so relieved that I am starting to see a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
It's been awhile since I've written anything. Guess it's time for an update...
Finally got off my lazy butt and went to the Dr about the depression I've been feeling since, oh about Dec-Jan. I'm on my 5th day of taking an anti-depressant. Starting to feel some of the side effects they told me were likely until my body adjusted. So, at least I know the meds are going into my system. No real improvement on the mood yet though. I was told it could be about 2 weeks before I started seeing difference there. It's frustrating. I still feel pretty down. And now I feel dizzy/nauseous/panicky on top of it. Excellent. Just gotta hang in there. I know once the meds start doing their job, I'll feel a lot better. It's just hard. And I'm tired of complaining about it. I feel myself pulling away from people. I just want to be left alone until I get this all sorted out. I'm sure it's all in my head and not nearly as noticeable as I feel like it is. But, I'm really self conscious about how "non-present" I feel when I'm around people. I feel zoned out and spacey. And I feel like my bad mood will be taken the wrong way or personally. And it's exhausting to socialize.
I went to an information session for Cal Baptist's grad and credential program. I got a lot of good info, and turned in an application. Although it was a struggle to motivate myself to go, I was glad I went because I really want to keep moving forward with my plan to go back to school. And, as whacked out as this sounds... I feel like it is important for me to keep goals and things I want to do on my calendar. With working through this depression, I feel like it's important for me to keep having reasons to push through. Goals to meet. Things to experience. And then, when I do finally kick my bad mood's ass, I won't feel like I got behind because of it. Just gotta keep truckin' along.
Finally got off my lazy butt and went to the Dr about the depression I've been feeling since, oh about Dec-Jan. I'm on my 5th day of taking an anti-depressant. Starting to feel some of the side effects they told me were likely until my body adjusted. So, at least I know the meds are going into my system. No real improvement on the mood yet though. I was told it could be about 2 weeks before I started seeing difference there. It's frustrating. I still feel pretty down. And now I feel dizzy/nauseous/panicky on top of it. Excellent. Just gotta hang in there. I know once the meds start doing their job, I'll feel a lot better. It's just hard. And I'm tired of complaining about it. I feel myself pulling away from people. I just want to be left alone until I get this all sorted out. I'm sure it's all in my head and not nearly as noticeable as I feel like it is. But, I'm really self conscious about how "non-present" I feel when I'm around people. I feel zoned out and spacey. And I feel like my bad mood will be taken the wrong way or personally. And it's exhausting to socialize.
I went to an information session for Cal Baptist's grad and credential program. I got a lot of good info, and turned in an application. Although it was a struggle to motivate myself to go, I was glad I went because I really want to keep moving forward with my plan to go back to school. And, as whacked out as this sounds... I feel like it is important for me to keep goals and things I want to do on my calendar. With working through this depression, I feel like it's important for me to keep having reasons to push through. Goals to meet. Things to experience. And then, when I do finally kick my bad mood's ass, I won't feel like I got behind because of it. Just gotta keep truckin' along.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Social Exchange Theory
Seriously, the "Social Exchange Theory" may be my favorite thing I learned as a pysch major. So relevant and applicable to daily life.
You can google it, and it comes up with all kinds of info. But, one website describes it perfectly. I got this from http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/social_exchange.htm:
All relationships have give and take, although the balance of this exchange is not always equal. Social Exchange theory explains how we feel about a relationship with another person as depending on our perceptions of:
You can google it, and it comes up with all kinds of info. But, one website describes it perfectly. I got this from http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/social_exchange.htm:
All relationships have give and take, although the balance of this exchange is not always equal. Social Exchange theory explains how we feel about a relationship with another person as depending on our perceptions of:
- The balance between what we put into the relationship and what we get out of it.
- The kind of relationship we deserve.
- The chances of having a better relationship with someone else.
Friday, February 18, 2011
"I love to be alone. I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude."
-Henry David Thoreau
I took photo classes in high school and we had to do a project based off of a favorite quote. I used this one. I did a bunch of shots of a friend of mine in these wide open spaces (long empty beaches, meadows, parks...). In all the shots, he was by himself and would either be reading, resting, meditating, or walking. I focused on how good it is to take time for yourself. I spent a lot of time on my own in high school and, looking back, I'm so glad I did. Being able to spend time alone and enjoy your own company is important. I forgot how good that feels.
This past week, I have really focused on being okay with myself. I have purposely spent time on my own as often as I can. Whether that has been doing a solo dive, taking a walk/jog, a drive, or just hanging out at home. I feel centered in my soul right now. It feels good. I think I may be becoming addicted to it, actually. I look forward to the end of my day when I can go home and just spend some quiet time. My life tends to be pretty busy between work and teaching and various social things I enjoy doing. So, having time to myself every night this week has been amazing. I haven't even been feeling any shred of lonely and I wondered if it would hit me at some point. I've noticed that when I am out doing things with people, I stay more engaged and enjoy it more. It's like I really take advantage of the social time and then really take advantage of that alone time later. I think I'm in a good balance with myself right now and I'm planning to keep this up. I'm happier, more rested, and not so edgy and sensitive to things. I feel like I have control over my social life and I'm not letting it happen to me and just hanging on for the ride. It's a good feeling.
Another good quote on solitude that I've found this week is, "I restore myself when I'm alone." -Marilyn Monroe. I'm finding this to be so so so true. I feel restored, rejuvenated, and focused. All good things :-)
-Henry David Thoreau
I took photo classes in high school and we had to do a project based off of a favorite quote. I used this one. I did a bunch of shots of a friend of mine in these wide open spaces (long empty beaches, meadows, parks...). In all the shots, he was by himself and would either be reading, resting, meditating, or walking. I focused on how good it is to take time for yourself. I spent a lot of time on my own in high school and, looking back, I'm so glad I did. Being able to spend time alone and enjoy your own company is important. I forgot how good that feels.
This past week, I have really focused on being okay with myself. I have purposely spent time on my own as often as I can. Whether that has been doing a solo dive, taking a walk/jog, a drive, or just hanging out at home. I feel centered in my soul right now. It feels good. I think I may be becoming addicted to it, actually. I look forward to the end of my day when I can go home and just spend some quiet time. My life tends to be pretty busy between work and teaching and various social things I enjoy doing. So, having time to myself every night this week has been amazing. I haven't even been feeling any shred of lonely and I wondered if it would hit me at some point. I've noticed that when I am out doing things with people, I stay more engaged and enjoy it more. It's like I really take advantage of the social time and then really take advantage of that alone time later. I think I'm in a good balance with myself right now and I'm planning to keep this up. I'm happier, more rested, and not so edgy and sensitive to things. I feel like I have control over my social life and I'm not letting it happen to me and just hanging on for the ride. It's a good feeling.
Another good quote on solitude that I've found this week is, "I restore myself when I'm alone." -Marilyn Monroe. I'm finding this to be so so so true. I feel restored, rejuvenated, and focused. All good things :-)
Friday, February 11, 2011
New Direction
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my long term direction. I really enjoy my job. It's fun, and I like being involved with scuba everyday. But, I don't make nearly as much as I think the job should pay. And, there is no real room for growth here. This would be a great job if my life had a shared income, or if I was a bit younger and not as much else going on. The reality is I'm almost 26. I don't make enough to pay for my monthly living expenses. And, I live with a roomie (who I love, but still...).
I am finding myself in a place where I am craving independence and stability. I would really like to feel like I can pay my bills every month. I don't have a whole lot of them... No credit cards and no car payment. So, it shouldn't be this difficult to take care of my expenses. Also, I would really love to have my very own place. I love living with my brother. He's fun and we get along great and I value the time I get to spend with him and the talks I have with him. But, it's just time to fly from my little nest. I would like to have my own place and that sense of independence. I would like to feel like I can bring people over and not have to wonder about the status of my roomie. Who knows. If I end up in a consistent relationship with the possibility of more frequent sleepovers, it would be nice to not have the awkward "big bro in the next room" feeling. I'm ready to be on my own and taking care of myself.
So, here's what I'm doing about it! It's time to focus on getting into an actual "career." I've thought about teaching over and over again and I keep going back to it. It's become quite clear to me that that is a good path for me. So, I'm registering to take the CBEST and CSET in the next few months. As soon as I get those done, I'll apply to some schools and get into a program that offers a Masters program along with Credentials. About a year and a half after that, school will be done and I can get into an actual career and feel like I've really "grown up." I'm so looking forward to that. I know the getting out on my own won't happen over night. I may have to keep the roommate thing up during school or go live on campus. And, that's okay. The point is... I feel like I'm setting goals for myself and working to achieve them and better myself and my life. I'm really excited about it. So, here is the list of new goals:
I am finding myself in a place where I am craving independence and stability. I would really like to feel like I can pay my bills every month. I don't have a whole lot of them... No credit cards and no car payment. So, it shouldn't be this difficult to take care of my expenses. Also, I would really love to have my very own place. I love living with my brother. He's fun and we get along great and I value the time I get to spend with him and the talks I have with him. But, it's just time to fly from my little nest. I would like to have my own place and that sense of independence. I would like to feel like I can bring people over and not have to wonder about the status of my roomie. Who knows. If I end up in a consistent relationship with the possibility of more frequent sleepovers, it would be nice to not have the awkward "big bro in the next room" feeling. I'm ready to be on my own and taking care of myself.
So, here's what I'm doing about it! It's time to focus on getting into an actual "career." I've thought about teaching over and over again and I keep going back to it. It's become quite clear to me that that is a good path for me. So, I'm registering to take the CBEST and CSET in the next few months. As soon as I get those done, I'll apply to some schools and get into a program that offers a Masters program along with Credentials. About a year and a half after that, school will be done and I can get into an actual career and feel like I've really "grown up." I'm so looking forward to that. I know the getting out on my own won't happen over night. I may have to keep the roommate thing up during school or go live on campus. And, that's okay. The point is... I feel like I'm setting goals for myself and working to achieve them and better myself and my life. I'm really excited about it. So, here is the list of new goals:
- Take/Pass CBEST and CSET before end of Spring
- Enroll in school before end of year.
- Finish school by the time I'm 28
- Have my *own* place, and feel some stability by the time I'm 30
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Good Week
Yeah, I knew all I needed to pull me out of my mope funk was some busyness back in my life. This week has been pretty good so far. I have a lot going on that's making me smile.
Monday I got to hang with Batman and his new place. I like it there. It's cozy and he's becoming more and more easy to be around. We've gotten to the point where we aren't just talking to get to know each other's background. We talk about our everyday things and do the mindless chit-chat. I like that. That's when I feel like someone has gone beyond the "acquaintance" stage and they are an actually "friend" that you can be yourself around. It's a good feeling.
Tuesday was Heather's rehearsal dinner. The wedding is this Saturday, and as odd as it is to admit... I'm actually really looking forward to it. I hung with Heather's best friend, Jill, at the rehearsal. Me and her are like long lost soul mates or something. We had such a good time and were so silly. I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard for that long. I'm thinking I need to befriend her and hang out more often. People like that are extra good to have in my life. I have a need to laugh often.
Wednesday (tonight) is the much anticipated "Mexican Wrestling" night. I've been looking forward to this for about a month. And now, I'm even more looking forward to it just for the time to spend with Besty. Hung out with Besty over the weekend, but it seems like it's been much longer than that. Missing him lately. Even though we text all day and I got a few minutes to say hi last night, I feel like we are lacking the connection that comes after a quality talk or hang out time. I'm expecting some heavy traffic on the way into LA, and actually looking forward to that. It'll give us a chance to chat and catch up and reconnect a bit before all the fun starts. He's the best friend I could ever imagine having in my life so keeping a tight connection with him is big to me. He's awesome, and I love him. Hanging with him tonight will definitely be one of the highlights this week.
Thursday will be nice because I get to be pampered a bit. Mani-Pedi and eyebrow waxing. It's about time. I love when my nails are done. It makes me feel sassy. And the eyebrows... yeah, lets just say I'm way overdue there. After that, I get to go hang out with Besty's DM class in the pool. I love hanging around that class. I feel like I should be paying a tuition fee as well. I'm learning a lot just just watching that class go on. I love it.
Friday... well, Friday will need to have it's own "blog entry" I think. Lol. Let's just say I'll be stepping outside the box a bit. Also, that night starts my advanced class. I actually have enough students signed up to call it a real class. That makes me feel so good. And, its students that I know and that I really enjoy teaching. We are going to have a lot of fun and I get to hang out with some of my new favorite people.
Weekend... Heather's wedding and more hang out time with Besty. Can't ask for anything more there. Really excited to get all fancy on Saturday. I don't get to get dressed up very often so I'm really looking forward to it. And, I'm very excited for Heather. I have never seen her so happy as she is with Kevin. Heather is one of the best people I know so it's so good to see her basking all the happy that she deserves.
So, that's the week. Lot's of things going on that are good. This blog is kinda long. But, it feels good to put all the things that are making me happy into actual words. It lets me enjoy them all that much more. Hoping these good feelings keep up. :-)
Monday I got to hang with Batman and his new place. I like it there. It's cozy and he's becoming more and more easy to be around. We've gotten to the point where we aren't just talking to get to know each other's background. We talk about our everyday things and do the mindless chit-chat. I like that. That's when I feel like someone has gone beyond the "acquaintance" stage and they are an actually "friend" that you can be yourself around. It's a good feeling.
Tuesday was Heather's rehearsal dinner. The wedding is this Saturday, and as odd as it is to admit... I'm actually really looking forward to it. I hung with Heather's best friend, Jill, at the rehearsal. Me and her are like long lost soul mates or something. We had such a good time and were so silly. I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard for that long. I'm thinking I need to befriend her and hang out more often. People like that are extra good to have in my life. I have a need to laugh often.
Wednesday (tonight) is the much anticipated "Mexican Wrestling" night. I've been looking forward to this for about a month. And now, I'm even more looking forward to it just for the time to spend with Besty. Hung out with Besty over the weekend, but it seems like it's been much longer than that. Missing him lately. Even though we text all day and I got a few minutes to say hi last night, I feel like we are lacking the connection that comes after a quality talk or hang out time. I'm expecting some heavy traffic on the way into LA, and actually looking forward to that. It'll give us a chance to chat and catch up and reconnect a bit before all the fun starts. He's the best friend I could ever imagine having in my life so keeping a tight connection with him is big to me. He's awesome, and I love him. Hanging with him tonight will definitely be one of the highlights this week.
Thursday will be nice because I get to be pampered a bit. Mani-Pedi and eyebrow waxing. It's about time. I love when my nails are done. It makes me feel sassy. And the eyebrows... yeah, lets just say I'm way overdue there. After that, I get to go hang out with Besty's DM class in the pool. I love hanging around that class. I feel like I should be paying a tuition fee as well. I'm learning a lot just just watching that class go on. I love it.
Friday... well, Friday will need to have it's own "blog entry" I think. Lol. Let's just say I'll be stepping outside the box a bit. Also, that night starts my advanced class. I actually have enough students signed up to call it a real class. That makes me feel so good. And, its students that I know and that I really enjoy teaching. We are going to have a lot of fun and I get to hang out with some of my new favorite people.
Weekend... Heather's wedding and more hang out time with Besty. Can't ask for anything more there. Really excited to get all fancy on Saturday. I don't get to get dressed up very often so I'm really looking forward to it. And, I'm very excited for Heather. I have never seen her so happy as she is with Kevin. Heather is one of the best people I know so it's so good to see her basking all the happy that she deserves.
So, that's the week. Lot's of things going on that are good. This blog is kinda long. But, it feels good to put all the things that are making me happy into actual words. It lets me enjoy them all that much more. Hoping these good feelings keep up. :-)
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