New Direction

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my long term direction.  I really enjoy my job.  It's fun, and I like being involved with scuba everyday.  But, I don't make nearly as much as I think the job should pay.  And, there is no real room for growth here.  This would be a great job if my life had a shared income, or if I was a bit younger and not as much else going on.  The reality is I'm almost 26.  I don't make enough to pay for my monthly living expenses.  And, I live with a roomie (who I love, but still...). 

I am finding myself in a place where I am craving independence and stability.  I would really like to feel like I can pay my bills every month.  I don't have a whole lot of them... No credit cards and no car payment. So, it shouldn't be this difficult to take care of my expenses.  Also, I would really love to have my very own place.  I love living with my brother.  He's fun and we get along great and I value the time I get to spend with him and the talks I have with him.  But, it's just time to fly from my little nest.  I would like to have my own place and that sense of independence.  I would like to feel like I can bring people over and not have to wonder about the status of my roomie.  Who knows.  If I end up in a consistent relationship with the possibility of more frequent sleepovers, it would be nice to not have the awkward "big bro in the next room" feeling.  I'm ready to be on my own and taking care of myself.

So, here's what I'm doing about it!  It's time to focus on getting into an actual "career." I've thought about teaching over and over again and I keep going back to it.  It's become quite clear to me that that is a good path for me.  So, I'm registering to take the CBEST and CSET in the next few months.  As soon as I get those done, I'll apply to some schools and get into a program that offers a Masters program along with Credentials.  About a year and a half after that, school will be done and I can get into an actual career and feel like I've really "grown up."  I'm so looking forward to that.  I know the getting out on my own won't happen over night.  I may have to keep the roommate thing up during school or go live on campus.  And, that's okay.  The point is... I feel like I'm setting goals for myself and working to achieve them and better myself and my life.  I'm really excited about it.  So, here is the list of new goals:

• Take/Pass CBEST and CSET before end of Spring
• Enroll in school before end of year.
• Finish school by the time I'm 28
• Have my *own* place, and feel some stability by the time I'm 30

Good Week

Yeah, I knew all I needed to pull me out of my mope funk was some busyness back in my life.  This week has been pretty good so far.  I have a lot going on that's making me smile.

Monday I got to hang with Batman and his new place.  I like it there.  It's cozy and he's becoming more and more easy to be around.  We've gotten to the point where we aren't just talking to get to know each other's background.  We talk about our everyday things and do the mindless chit-chat.  I like that.  That's when I feel like someone has gone beyond the "acquaintance" stage and they are an actually "friend" that you can be yourself around.  It's a good feeling.

Tuesday was Heather's rehearsal dinner.  The wedding is this Saturday, and as odd as it is to admit... I'm actually really looking forward to it.  I hung with Heather's best friend, Jill, at the rehearsal.  Me and her are like long lost soul mates or something.  We had such a good time and were so silly.  I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard for that long.  I'm thinking I need to befriend her and hang out more often.  People like that are extra good to have in my life.  I have a need to laugh often.

Wednesday (tonight) is the much anticipated "Mexican Wrestling" night.  I've been looking forward to this for about a month.  And now, I'm even more looking forward to it just for the time to spend with Besty.  Hung out with Besty over the weekend, but it seems like it's been much longer than that.  Missing him lately.  Even though we text all day and I got a few minutes to say hi last night, I feel like we are lacking the connection that comes after a quality talk or hang out time.  I'm expecting some heavy traffic on the way into LA, and actually looking forward to that.  It'll give us a chance to chat and catch up and reconnect a bit before all the fun starts.  He's the best friend I could ever imagine having in my life so keeping a tight connection with him is big to me.  He's awesome, and I love him.  Hanging with him tonight will definitely be one of the highlights this week.

Thursday will be nice because I get to be pampered a bit.  Mani-Pedi and eyebrow waxing.  It's about time.  I love when my nails are done.  It makes me feel sassy.  And the eyebrows... yeah, lets just say I'm way overdue there.  After that, I get to go hang out with Besty's DM class in the pool.  I love hanging around that class.  I feel like I should be paying a tuition fee as well.  I'm learning a lot just just watching that class go on.  I love it.

Friday... well, Friday will need to have it's own "blog entry" I think.  Lol.  Let's just say I'll be stepping outside the box a bit.  Also, that night starts my advanced class.  I actually have enough students signed up to call it a real class.  That makes me feel so good.  And, its students that I know and that I really enjoy teaching.  We are going to have a lot of fun and I get to hang out with some of my new favorite people.

Weekend... Heather's wedding and more hang out time with Besty.  Can't ask for anything more there.  Really excited to get all fancy on Saturday.  I don't get to get dressed up very often so I'm really looking forward to it.  And, I'm very excited for Heather.  I have never seen her so happy as she is with Kevin.  Heather is one of the best people I know so it's so good to see her basking all the happy that she deserves.

So, that's the week.  Lot's of things going on that are good.  This blog is kinda long.  But, it feels good to put all the things that are making me happy into actual words.  It lets me enjoy them all that much more.  Hoping these good feelings keep up.  :-)

I'm not sure what has been up with me. But, I've really been battling lonely feelings lately. I've done a pretty good job at finding things to do this week and surrounding myself with good people. I've even managed to see the besty every day this week for one reason or another. But I still feel lonely lurking in me. I hate that. It's making me feel clingy and needy. And, I have no reason for it. Things are good in my world and I have every reason to be happy. And, I'd even say that as a whole, I am happy. There is no major stress getting me down or anything to be upset over. I'm just having a hard time connecting with anyone in a way that makes the lonely disappear. Maybe a good weekend of some rest and relaxation will help.

Quick- Schedule Something!

I'm the kind of girl that tends to stay pretty busy.  My brother, who is also my roommate, laughs because we will go days without even seeing each other and we live in a little 2-bedroom place.  He says it's nice only paying 1/2 the rent but pretty much getting his own place...  I like having a busy schedule.  It keeps the time passing and gives me little things throughout the week to look forward to.

My open water class finished up last weekend.  For the first time in quite awhile, I have absolutely nothing scheduled for this week.  Nothing for work, teaching, or social.  It's so weird.  It's only Wednesday, and already this week has seemed to be dragging on.  Another reason I like to get out there and keep things scheduled is I'm learning that I do like the company of others a lot more than I used to.  I used to keep myself pretty isolated.  I definitely liked my "me time."  But, I'm learning that I need the "me time" less than I did even a few months ago.  In fact, I'm finding it easier and easier for me to feel lonely.  I like having things to do and people to talk to.

I'm really looking forward to next week... Heather's rehearsal dinner on Tuesday.  Mexican Wrestling in LA with my besty on Wednesday.  Orientation for my advanced class on Friday.  And Heather's wedding on Saturday (and I have the hottest date ever to that!).  Lot's of fun things planned and fun people to spend time with.  And that, I am looking forward to.

OW Class

I went diving on Saturday with my open water class.  I certified my three students and and got to spend a day out on the water.  The weather was great and the dive conditions were really good too.  Good dive conditions = easy day of teaching.  One of the big highlights of the day though, was my class.  These 3 students have been a big bright spot in my life.  They are all very different and have their quirks, but I think that's why I like them.  They know their quirks, and they don't care about them.  It was an easy class to be around because there was a general acceptance of each other.  Combine that with some raunchy humor and a love for scuba diving... you get a TON of fun.

Becoming an instructor has been one of those life long dreams.  I was always a little fish growing up and I would love to go to the beach when I was a kid and watch the divers get in and out of the water.  I was that annoying toddler that followed them around and asked a million questions.  So, of course I was beyond excited when I finished up my instructor course back in April.  Since then, I had difficult student after difficult student.  I had a few good ones in there, but there was a lot of tough classes and grumpy students to deal with.  It was discouraging.  I had looked forward to teaching for so long and I was quickly finding out that it is not all sunshine and rainbows.  This class made up for all the hard ones I've had over the past 8 months.  They brought so much enthusiasm and desire to get out there and start diving.  They not only reminded me why I wanted to teach scuba, but also reminded me why I love diving in the first place.  This is one of those classes where I think the instructor learned just as much as the students did. 

This class is planning on rolling right into my advanced class that starts in a couple of weeks.  I am SO thrilled to get to teach them some more and dive with them again.  I've made some special friendships here that I know I'll keep with me forever.  It's a great feeling.  :-)

My Little Epiphany

In college, I took a long break from dating.  I had decided that I needed to work on myself and get to a place where I was content with me and my life before I tried to add anyone on to it.  I think I was on to something there...

Lately, I have felt a pretty large void in my life.  So, I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to fill that void with new people and relationships.  It's hard to admit, but I would say I was close to the point of desperation.  I would do anything for some attention and someone new to talk to or fill some time with.  I have been pushing myself way out of my comfort zone, in a bad way.  Sometimes, I know it's good to push yourself.  But I haven't been doing it in a way that has been good or healthy or constructive.  I gave out my number to someone I had no interest in... and he still won't stop texting.  And, if that wasn't enough, I started to talking to someone that seemed nice enough, but just gave off that "there is something wrong here" vibe.  I intentionally ignored the vibe and concentrated so hard on the little random things I liked, I had convinced myself the vibe was nothing.  I met him last night.  It went horrible.  We are so different in very important ways.  I realized that starting a relationship with him would be a horrible thing.  At least I recognized this early and attempted to end the date.  While saying goodbye, he tried to pull me into his car.  I got away from him with no problem and had the rest of the night to myself.  If I think about the "what ifs" (what if he had a gun or knife, or what if I let him put me in that car...), I freak myself out.  So, I'm not thinking of those and focusing on what did happen and the fact that I listened to my instincts enough to save myself.  But I have come to a point where I really need to step back.

My life is busy.  It is not overwhelming, but I have a good job, fun classes to teach, great family, an awesome best friend, and another nice guy that is becoming part of a weekly hang out routine and it seems that he may become more than "weekly."  So, why the hell do I need to add more people to the mix?!  Rather then fill my emptiness with more people who I may or may not actually want around... I should concentrate on what I do have in my life.  If I spent 1/2 as much energy focusing on the things that are already present in my life and bring me joy, I bet that would fill a lot of that void.  So, that's the little "ah-ha!" moment I had last night and I'm going to apply it and see how it goes.  Focusing on all the little good things I do have, has already put me in a pretty happy mood today.  I have a lot to smile about if I would just let myself enjoy those little smiles once in awhile.  I can't fix what isn't already broken.  And, my life is far from broken.  It's time to appreciate that.

Update

Oh my, I have not written in quite awhile... time for an update:

I survived the holidays and the new year is off to it's usual start.  I have classes scheduled for the next few months.  Open water going on now.  Advanced starting in February.  And, Rescue in March.  My current open water class is bringing me a lot of joy.  Only 3 students.  But, they are a lot of fun and they really like me, which makes me feel super good.  I feel like the kind of instructor I've been wanting to be around them.  All 3 of them are planning on taking my advanced class next month, along with another open water student from before the holidays.  I feel like I'm starting to get a little fan club.  It feels really good.  This class makes me feel like I am to them what my mentor/instructor was/still is to me.  It's an amazing feeling.

Speaking of that mentor/instructor... he's amazing.  He helped me with my class this weekend along with his DM students.  And, wow.  I am continuously learning from him.  He always has something relevant and helpful to say and students seem to instantly love them.  I got texts from 2 of my students at the end of the day asking if he was going to be going along for sure next weekend because they liked him so well.  Yep! Reasons he's the role model for the kind of instructor I want to be...

Other new stuff... started dating someone new.  We shall call him "Batman."  It was off to a rocky start, but that's because I'm a paranoid crazy girl who needs to chill the eff out.  I always worry about meeting people off the Internet.. What if they are crazy?!  Upon further thought... I'm wondering if I'm the crazy one..  But I'm learning a lot about taking things one day at a time and not reading into things so much.  Not just with batman, but in all areas of my life and other relationships.  Sometimes I get so far into my head, that I set up a perfect storm that didn't need to happen and wouldn't have if I had just stayed mellow.  I should invent some sort of shock collar to train myself.  But yes.  Batman = good thing.  He's funny, cute, nice.  All around good to spend time with.

I guess that's what's new in a nut shell.