I've had some extra time to reflect today and have been coming to some conclusions.  I am in an incredible relationship with probably the best guy out there.  He gets me on a level that no else does and he makes me feel great.  Any criticism he gives, is a always constructive and he pushes me to always do my best and be the best person that I can be.  He sees a lot of good in me.

All of that is great, and I know I am so lucky to have that in my life.  One thing that I need that still seems to be lacking though... I need to be able to see that for myself as well.  I've found myself in quite a bit of a rut lately with some low self confidence.  And, rather then sit back and complain about it, it's time I do something.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain about something that they have the power to change themselves.  And, I'm starting to find myself slip into that bad habit.  Also, I have found that when I let myself mope into some low self esteem, it has an effect on so much in my life.  Including my relationship with Mr. Wonderful.  Well, no more of that!  I'm taking back control of my life and the way I want to handle the things that get me down.  I've started working on this a little this past week and have already felt a positive change in some aspects of my life.  I'm excited to apply this elsewhere now.  I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and really be happy with who I see there.

They say sometimes the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do.  Well, I don't know if that is true.  And what if every option seems difficult?  I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" this week.  I feel like I've lost direction and need to regain that.  But, I have no idea what direction I need to get back on track with.  I feel like I'm back in my Underwater Navigation Course and I got stuck with the broken compass that keeps me about 15 degrees off from where I need to be.  It's not a huge error, but just enough to keep me frustrated and questioning if I'm doing it right.  I know I am only 25, and so having it all figured out is definitely not a requirement.  But, I'm such a planner.  I like to be able to look ahead a few years and at least have an idea of who I will be, where I will be, what I'll be doing, who will be around with me.  And, a lot of that seems very foggy.  It's really starting to weigh me down. 

Maybe I just need to put it aside. Get through the holidays and the next few weeks and then focus on it again.  Perhaps my holiday mope is getting in the way.  Every year I get older, it seems like Christmas and New Years are losing more and more holiday "magic."  Maybe this upcoming year will bring me some of that clarity and this time next year, I can be wrapped up in holiday magic and not so stressy.  Heh, I think it all comes down to me chilling the eff out and learning to enjoy where I'm at.

My, this was not the chipper blog I have been doing so far.  I hope I don't drive anyone to drink or to sharp objects.  I'm  not meaning to come off depressed.  Overall, I'm not depressed.  Just taking a step back and looking at my life.

I have never been an overly confident type of girl.  I like to blend in and fade into the background.  Throughout my life, I have had a hard time really feeling like I really belonged anywhere.  Or, that there was anything special our interesting about me that I could really offer anyone else.  And, because I didn't feel like there was anything special about me, I never really felt like I "deserved" to feel like I stood out to anyone. 

But, eveyone wants to feel like they matter.  Lately, I have really come to realize how important that is.  I didn't think it mattered to me.  But, it does.  And, I think the older I get, the more it matters.  I want to feel like I have an impact on someone.  Life is short when you look at the big picture.  And, for my short time here, I am learning that I hope I have stood out to somone and made a difference. 

And, that is why I am so thankful for my best friend.  I finally feel like I fit in somewhere.  I have found security within myself from being around him.  For the first time in my life, I really feel like I am special and important and that I matter.  And, having that foundation of good is helping me in so many other areas of my life.  It is amazing what just a little bit of security and self confidence can do.  Knowing someone is there through thick and thin and will love me unconditionally helps me take chances.  I'll go out on limbs and take risks that I would never consider doing just a year ago.  But, knowing at the end of the day, whether I made a great decision or a huge mistake, I'm still okay.  I'm still loved.  I'm still special.  And, I'm still important.

So far, I think my favorite "life lesson" I've learned, is the lesson of how important it is to let yourself be loved.

Bridal Showers

Busy weekend ahead.

Saturday is my cousin's bridal shower.  My mom and I are throwing it for her and there will be about 50 women there.  Shower's are such a silly tradition.  We will eat and visit with family we don't see often, and meet the soon-to-be inlaws of Heather's.  Seems normal so far... but then, there's the games...

The first game is about the crap we have in our purse.  Random list of things one might find in a lady's purse.  The lady that has the most items from the list, wins.  Well, shit. I guess I better go buy a purse...  Would a small dive gear bag count?  Maybe a back pack?  I don't think I will have the right items on the list though. This in not a good game for the Tom-Boys. 

The second game is even more rediculous, if you can believe that.  There are about 50 baloons that we (and by "we", I mean "I") will have to blow up.  Inside each baloon will be a picture of some famous couple.  But, in 4 baloons, there will be a picture of... wait for it... Kevin and Heather!  The 4 ladies that pop the baloon with the picure of Kevin and Heather win.  Mindless, silly games.  But, everyone loves these.  I admit, at my shower, we did the same sort of thing and I loved it.  What is with our culture?  How does dumping crap out of your purse and popping baloons have anything to do with married life?  Other then excess baggage and popping of hopes and dreams.... Hmm, maybe that's not the message they are going for.  I better put a lid on the bitter.  I am looking forward to the shower though.  My cousin is beyond happy and that makes me happy for her.  She is one of the coolest, nicest, selfless people I know and she deserves all the bliss she has now.  So, yay for her!  I just hope the bliss lasts forever.  I had bliss at one point... Oh, shit.  There goes the bitter again.  I really need to get that under control before Saturday...

Did I mention I will be doing the cooking for this little event?  Oh yes. I will be rattlin' them pots and pans in the kitchen.  Bringing out the domestic side.  Stay tuned for that little adventure...

Technology

Oh my goodness... Technology these days. Yes, I am posting this blog by texting from my phone. Is it odd that technology overwhelms me? I can't fathom a world without texting and emailing- and it still amazes me. Ha! I can't imagine how the older generations feel. They've seen a time when there was no Internet. Or when the Internet was sucky and slow. Now look at us! It kind of freaks me out if I try to think what it will be like when I get older. I don't know what else can be invented. But, I'm sure someone will think of something!

The First Blog...

Well here goes my attempt at blogging...

I'm looking forward to starting up this blog.  I'm in the midst of figuring out life (aren't we all?) and this blog will be a way to throw all my jumbled thoughts on paper and sort them out.  What I end up putting on here could be funny, sad, frustrating, steamy, bold, easy to read, or uncomfortable.  You name it, it will probably end up here... But, either way, it will be good to get it out.  It will be fun to write, and hopfully entertaining to read.

A little bit about me: I'm in my mid 20's.  I want to say I'm outgoing.  But, the truth is I come off a little quiet and withdrawn until I find my comfort zone.  Then, the "outgoing" comes out.  I have a degree which I am not using for a career and not sure if I ever will.  I teach scuba diving, as well as indulge in it as my regular hobby.  I have quite a wide range of friends.  I defintely do not fit into any certain "type" of social group- which has its perks and down falls.  And, right now it is the middle of the week, I am at work, and looking for things to do.  So, why not start a blog!

Guess that's all for now.